Robert Angotti
Is it starting to feel like you simply can’t understand your fellow citizens? Did the election feel like it carried the potential for violence, American against American? Are you having trouble seeing where we can find a common purpose? If so, I think you might agree, we need to talk.
If we don’t learn how to communicate about some of our deepest concerns, our concerns will deepen. Truthfully, I am a poor communicator. Just ask my wife! I usually go into conversations ready to prove I am right. I clearly need to work on being a better listener. I’m not writing this because I have mastered the art of having difficult conversations. I am writing this because I need to. I am writing this because our country needs to.
The Povich Problem
When I was in college there was a guy on TV named Maury Povich. I actually never watched the show but I saw samples of it or maybe commercials. The ad clips usually involved a few words from guests escalating tensions between one another. The next clips would show chairs flying and shirts being pulled as the studio security tried to find the right balance between letting a fight start and not getting sued. I suspect viewership went up if it looked like someone was about to land a good punch in the promo.
For many people this was good TV and often its considered good politics. It seems that getting others agitated along political dividing lines has become more valuable than finding common purpose or getting things done for the common good. The news media jumped on this bandwagon decades ago. The moniker, “If it leads it bleeds” is said to be a common motivator in journalism. The demand for more readers, viewers and listeners in order to maximize profit has spread across more and more media platforms.
Today certain news channels or stations are considered clearly bi-partisan. In the case of some news programs, prime time celebrities are paid handsomely to make people on the other side of an issue appear as “threats” to society. Employing the emotions of fear, outrage, and grievance has impassioned an audience, lined the pockets of media empires, and fueled a divide that leaves the functioning of our democracy in doubt for millions of Americans. I think many of us can agree, we are better than this!
Learning how to listen, learning how to speak.
Words are strange things. We make these sounds by shaping our mouths in different ways in hopes of communicating some ideas in our head. We type out shapes in a unique sequence to try and formulate a collection of thoughts we consider worth some greater longevity than our mind alone allows. I am realizing that much of my frustration in communication comes from knowing that if I don’t share my thought now I will forget them. I find those moments disturbing because I have somehow convinced myself that what I have to say is really important. Wisdom seems to involve accepting that many of those thoughts really aren’t worth sharing. Often listening may be more insightful.
“America, we need to talk” is a vision for a forum that will enable US citizens to speak to and listen to one another with greater confidence and patience. The path of division, blame, fear and separation isn’t working. Before we can move forward together we need to learn how to understand and appreciate our differences. This forum is designed to allow space for open communication while enhancing our skills for effective communication. This is just a sketch. The idea really needs the benefit of experience and expertise in the fields of communication to weigh in. Moreover, although our technology has been pulling us apart in many ways (watch the documentary The Social Dilemma), I do think technology has the ability to bring us together in meaningful conversations that help us hear one another better, communicate better, find common purpose and establish shared truths.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
Simple really… we listen and we talk. Using digital technology we agree to have meaningful conversations about anything that seems to be confusing us, or distancing us from our fellow citizens. Some keys to successful, non-destructive conversations, include face to face engagement (aided digitally). Research on simple daily practices such as talking with strangers indicate a measurable increases in personal happiness. Conversely, recent research indicates that engagement with forms of social media that activate less of our human sensory experience can lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness, anger and despair. If you participate, use your video feed and your name. Seeing each other face to face is the first step in hearing each other.
GOALS
CONVERSATION over CONFLICT
It has become too easy to dismiss our fellow Americans, friends and family with quick judgements and presumptions. Although we might take comfort emotionally in a world that appears black and white, most of our lives, most of our thoughts and most of our values are more gray than black and white. Moreover, our thoughts and values are in development and change with the times and with the facts. Often, we may not have a clear understanding of how we feel or think about the complex issues that we face today. However, it seems more comforting to assert that we “know” something to be true.
A good conversation accepts the possibility of change. In order to understand ourselves and each other we need to talk and we need to listen. Our culture has been focused on outrage and division for decades. Conflict sells in America, whether we see it on afternoon TV, on social media, in government or on the nightly news. Our path towards unity will be built upon millions of small, meaningful conversations.
COMMON GROUND over CONFIRMATION BIAS
For many of us, the thoughts and actions of our fellow citizens have at times become incomprehensible. However, at our deepest core we all share the same basic needs for safety, security and joy. In fact, at the level of these most basic needs we likely have more in common than we might anticipate.
Our culture has rapidly fractured into silos of information where our own values are echoed back to us on and endless loop. Technology has developed around stimulating our minds with small doses of fear, excitement and anger most often directed at things that separate us and make an enemy out of others. Hours and days can be lost sliding down technological tunnels that serve to convince us of our irreconcilable differences. A path out of this fog of division will be built upon individual stepping stones of common ground.
Rules to develop civil discourse
I think there are some powerful ways that we could use technology to bring us together. However, any transformative communication will be built upon having a format designed for developing successful communication. I am certain that there are countless experts much more qualified than me to develop this format. Nevertheless, I have been sketching some of my own thoughts for what that format might look like.
Listen as often as you speak. Each person that wants to speak is given blocks of time to speak uninterrupted. For a first meeting, I suggest using the question prompt, “How is your pursuit of happiness going?”
No interruptions. When a person is given the floor, other participants should focus on listening without interruption. If interruptions occur, all participants should recognize the duration of the interruption. The participant being interrupted can ask for that time back. The participant who interrupts loses that amount of time in their next round. At least two others in the meeting should confirm that time allocation.
No leaving the meeting. Anyone who signs in must stay for the duration. Any civil discourse will require commitment and some self discipline. Plan for the allotted meeting time and stay present and visible throughout.
No name calling or labeling is allowed. Using terms like “racist”, “socialist”, or “idiot” has become too easy lately. Phrases like “fake news” and “propaganda” can also be problematic. Most people have complex world views and values. In order to hear one another we need to move away from labeling and name calling. When name calling or labeling are used, each of the participants should make a note of it. If more than two others agree the participant doing the name calling is asked to forfeit some time to the person they directed the name calling at. This is not an invitation for conversation about whether there was name calling. Stay disciplined with the rules.
Avoid attempts to own “the truth”. Pay attention to your desire to claim ownership of the truth. Avoid telling people they are “wrong” or they “don’t know what they are talking about”. Instead, try saying things like, “that sounds different than what I am hearing”, or “I have a different understanding” or, “we may have to disagree on the facts for now.”
Rounds of Communication
- Round one is the opener based upon the prompt agreed upon. Each participant is given up to three minutes to share thoughts on the prompt. Someone can volunteer to start and then the group can proceed based upon the alignment of the meeting. Everyone should participate in this round.
2. After the first three minute round, try a second round of cross participant questions. If someone has a question for another participant, they can have a minute to ask it. Next, the person they ask can have two minutes to answer. Each person should be allowed to ask a question in this round. Keeping notes will facilitate these rounds and reduce the likelihood of interruptions.
3. After the second round, each person has two minutes to speak again. In this round, you can defer or you can allocate your two minutes to another member you would like to hear more from.
4. In this round the goal is to start demonstrating an ability to hear one another and an ability to clarify our thoughts. Each person has one minute to tell someone else in the group what they think they are hearing from them. That person then has up to two minutes to clarify.
IDENTIFY PROBLEM “FACTS”
5. The next round is when we try to identify what facts we seem to be disagreeing on. The pursuit of shared facts is important. Each person is allowed one minute to describe a part of the conversation wherein they think they might have a different understanding of the facts. Remember, no name calling or claiming of “truth”. Using digital media to provide links to sources after the meeting will strengthen this round.
IDENTIFY COMMON GROUND
6. The final round is two minutes. Everyone is asked to reflect on where they may be seeing common ground within the group. This could be challenging. Don’t expect or try to “convert” anyone. The best starting point may simply be acknowledging that the common ground right now is a shared concern for our future, or a shared appreciation for having a chance to hear one another.
RECORD THE MEETING
It may be helpful to record the meeting. I think these recording could serve as useful tools for accumulating evidence of common ground as well as a resource for communication skills.
SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE
Please share your experiences.
This template is just a draft. It really needs the benefit of trial and error and the recommendations of experienced mediators. Check back regularly for updates, recommendations, and developments. This post will be modified over time as needed. The section below on resources is anticipated to grow as I learn more and more and others share recomendations.
A New Beginning
Our first meeting will be held at 2pm on Jan. 1, 2021. If you would like to participate in the first of our gatherings. Please send an email to info@northwindaikikai.com to let us know.
I invite all participants to consider inviting someone they know but are having some trouble communicating with because of strong differences of opinion. For example, in my neighborhood there were several people who had yard signs stolen during the election. I had my yard sign stolen as well. Talking with someone who had a different sign than me and asking if their sign was stolen might be a good starting point to an invitation to our opening day.
We might need some volunteer help with setup. Technological experience could prove really helpful.
Resources
